


Blurry/Clear

by Hydro_City_Zone



Series: White Steven one-shots [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (If Steven's mom was White Diamond), Alternate Universe, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Out of Body Experiences, Post-Episode s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Steven needs a hug, White Steven AU, and a lot of TLC, and therapy, angst???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 17:29:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21305846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hydro_City_Zone/pseuds/Hydro_City_Zone
Summary: Steven had never thought about what would happen if he didn't have his gem anymore.He also never thought that he wouldn't think at all if it did.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe if you squint
Series: White Steven one-shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538860
Comments: 2
Kudos: 105





	Blurry/Clear

  
  


Steven had never thought about what would happen if he didn't have his gem anymore.

He also never thought that he wouldn't think at all if it did.

People used to ask him how his gem didn't hurt his head. He didn't really get it then, but that was before he found out the end of it was pointed and not flat like he'd thought it was. He thought it was just magic that kept anything bad from happening to his brain.

In a way he was right. In a way, he was also completely wrong.

He can't stop thinking about it. Part of him wishes he could stop thinking again. The other part of him is disgusted by that thought.

_ Focus on something else. Like being on Earth. Being on Earth is nice. The sand, the beach, the ocean, the way the stars reflect so brilliantly against the waves… _

"Steven? Are you still listening to me?"

_ and Connie. _

"Sorry! I kinda spaced out on you there."

_ I'm here, I'm safe. _

Connie was giving him a concerned look. Somehow, she could always see right through him. "You okay..?" she said softly, "I mean, that's kind of a silly thing to ask after all that stuff that happened on Homeworld."

_ She's thinking about it too. _

"I'm fine! Why wouldn't I be fine?" He told her, with a smile that was just a little too forced.

"Steven..." 

Caught again. "I just... I dunno. I don't think I've really had enough time to process it all."

Connie shifted her gaze to the ocean. Her eyes seemed to sparkle in the moonlight, thinking. 

"You could try talking about it? Maybe just letting all those feelings out would help you feel better?"

Steven looked down at the sand. "I dunno, Connie. What happened was... _really_ messed up. I'm not sure I could even tell the gems about it."

There was a moment where neither of them spoke, only the sound of the ocean breeze passing by. Then Steven felt her gentle touch on his hand.

"You can always talk to me about it."

_ Right. She was there with me. _

He held her soft hand in his own.

“Okay,” he said, only a small tremble in his voice betraying him, “I can talk.”

Steven rested his head on her shoulder, her long hair against his face. Connie wrapped an arm around him and held him close, as if to protect him from the world. How could she not after what she’d seen? He hoped it wouldn’t keep her up at night. He already knew it would.

“What was it like?”   
  
“Hm?”   
  
“To be… split up.”

_ Ah. _

He thought for a long moment.

_ What  _ was  _ it like? _ __   
__   
It was like…

_ Seeing the world through a clouded lens _

**Seeing the world through an empty window.**

_ I can’t see, I can’t hear, I can’t think. _

**I see myself. This is wrong.**

_ I feel so scared, but I don’t know why _

**I feel nothing. Maybe it's good that I don't.**

_ Where am I? Who’s this person in front of me? Why are they yelling?  _

**I see her. She’s scared. She wants him to wake up, to look at her, to say something.**

_ I can’t think. I can’t think. _

**He can’t. We are broken.**

_ Where are you? _

**Where are you?**

_ I need you. _

**I need you.**

_ Want to, Need to, _

**Have to, Must.**

_ It feels like _

**It feels like**

  
  


“It feels like…” He says, “being shattered. Like, one second I exist, and the next I don’t. It’s like unfusing, but  _ wrong _ . I- They- my halves- All they could think about was… being _Steven_ again. I was-  _ We _ were  _ dying. _ I had no idea that… My human half just… I never thought I’d just shut down like that.” He looks at the sky instead of at her. He was sure that if he saw her eyes now, the dam would break.  “I think I went brain-dead or something? I couldn’t think. I mean I kinda could but it was all… I dunno, tiny. Just…  _ NEED. _ I just don’t get why I ended up like that.”

“Maybe your gem  _ is _ like your brain. Without it, your head just goes completely blank.”

  
That sounded pretty close to how it felt. Not exact, but close. “Maybe it is…”

Connie hugged him tighter, “It was really scary seeing you like that… I was so afraid you’d…”   
  
Steven couldn’t look away any longer. The moment he met her eyes, the flood walls came down. He found once he started, he couldn’t stop. He buried his face in her shoulder and wept. She wrapped her arms around him, rubbing circles into his back. He gripped onto her shirt like a lifeline. It was the only thing keeping him grounded.   
  
“Shh…” She soothed, “It's okay, It’s gonna be okay, It won’t ever happen again. I’ll make sure it never does.”

  
  


“Promise?” he asked in a muffled, broken voice.

  
  


“Promise.”


End file.
